Thoughts of a Working Mom

Kayla, my two year old daughter who owns my heart

One of my good friends is a stay-at-home mom, one of the few that I know. Sometimes I look at her life and say, “man she is lucky!” Who wouldn’t want to stay at home with the kids and not have to go to work? To not have a boss, but be the boss?  Not only that, but I envy her ability to spend time with her children. I sometimes work long hours, and my commute one way is 45 minutes. I am gone usually from 7:30am until 6:00pm every day, and that is on a normal day. Now I shouldn’t complain too much because my job is cushy and I do have opportunities to work from home every now and then, but still. If I could, I would totally take not having a boss.

Sometimes I will admit that working so much makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am missing out on things that are meaningful. It was like when my daughter first called me mom, which just happened a few days ago. I had always been Mommy. It hit me like a truck, oh my gosh she’s growing up! It was a horrible, sickening feeling that left me near weepy. Where have I been? What have I been doing that I somehow missed this sudden growth? She is only two, not even two and a half yet and she called me mom. Given it was just one time, but that one time made my happy, albeit naive, bubble that she would always remain mommy’s little girl forever pop like a balloon.

This feeling then turned into a vicious, angry, jealous green monster towards my fiancé who gets to spend these precious moments with her. I may have momentarily let that jealousy get the best of me as I shot ill-concealed looks of fury in his general direction, a look so intense even his usually-broken-angry-female-radar was able to pick it up easily. He spent the next 30 minutes keeping as far away from me as he pondered what he could have possibly forgotten to raise my ire. If I hadn’t been so emotionally distraught, I probably would have laughed.

Once again, my thoughts go back to my friend who stays at home with her two daughters, teaching them about the world. The image that blooms into my mind is like some glorified suburbia show from our parents era where everyone got along; images of me cooking dinner with my perfectly behaved daughter, or even the two of us sitting outside in the sun counting the clouds. I swear it was like a slideshow of those T.V. commercials of the perfect families where a child spills something, and mom runs over with a handy paper towel that soaks it all up in one swoop. That last image was the one that broke the angry staring contest with my fiancé. With that last image, I remembered something very important. Those T.V. commercials, those images of how perfect life would be as a stay-at-home-mom are fake.

Now before you get all angry, please note I am not saying that being a stay-at-home-mom is not perfect, because it could be for someone. Many many people enjoy being a stay at home parent, and I truly applaud them for that. It is nowhere near as easy as it looks, and anyone who chooses to do it earns an awesome sticker in my book. I personally know that I could not do it, at least I wouldn’t choose to.

Some of you may think that makes me a bad parent, choosing to work instead of staying home with my daughter. Be that as it may, it is true. I am the type of person that is always striving for more. Not necessarily in others, but in myself. I thrive on setting goals, and completing them to the best of my ability. I take immense pride in my work and in my achievements that I actually begin feeling very uneasy when I am not at work. In fact, I had such an awful pregnancy, I was on bed rest for the latter end of it. During that time, and for four months after she was born I was out of work. I went crazy. I felt so down about myself, and feeling that I wasn’t contributing to our family that it actually made me a little depressed. It was not that I was unhappy to be with my daughter, for I loved every moment of It, and yes that includes the midnight feedings. However I am the type of person that needs to work. I need to be doing something.

Would I lower my hours? Definitely, however that is not exactly an option with my current profession and with the fiancé out of work the financial responsibility falls to me. I would love to take a part time role, or better yet a work from home role, but those jobs are few and far in between.

Even now as my work picks up and my schedule becomes hectic, I know that I like my job, I like my life, and I like what I am doing with it. Just because I am not there as much as a stay-at-home-parent does not make me any less of a parent as I sometimes feel. I am supporting my family, and giving them a wonderful life. I may not know as many of the songs from toddler tunes as a stay-at-home-parent, but I will sing them with my daughter anyways. What makes you a good parent isn’t based on the number of hours, but based on the life you give them, emotionally especially. My daughter knows her mommy loves her, and knows her mommy will devote her time to her when she is home, and that’s what matters to me.

So to all you working parents out there, I applaud you.

Stay at Home Moms vs. Stay at Home Dads

Stay at home dad image from http://lorialexander.blogspot.com

Just a Simple Thought

Today is an age very different than that of our parents.  When my mother was my age the world was evolving.  Although women had equal rights, there was a definite bias towards them that limited their potential.  My mother did not make much money.  In fact, she worked multiple jobs to support my sister and I.  My father, well that is a story for another day.  Needless to say, when my mother was raising two children by herself, the odds were stacked against her.

Thankfully it is very different now.  I like to think I am a modern mom.  I have a two year old daughter who is my heart and soul, and a wonderful fiancé who I am lucky to have.  I am also a work horse.  I log long hours at the office, and bring home a sizeable paycheck to support my family.  At this moment, I am the sole income to my family, the figurative breadwinner if you will.  My fiancé is not currently working so he is at home minding our daughter until he finds work.  Even if he goes back to work his resume is not exactly high earning potential, and as such his work only affords him a little over minimum wage; which around here is a little over 2 gallons of milk per hour.

Being the supporter in our little trio of a family has raised a lot of brows; most of which from our families who do not take kindly to his position as caretaker.  Although I understand that our norm is different than others, I can’t help but wonder why is it received with such negativity.  Why would women view men staying at home to raise the children as something negative?  Was it not women who fought for equality?  Why is there a double standard?  If women are equal to men, and able to do the same work, shouldn’t the opposite be true as well?  What is wrong with a man being at home?  I suppose from a man’s prospective it is very different, as many of them still have that notion that they should be the providers.  I do not believe this is a correct notion, nor do I believe it is an incorrect one.  To each their own I say.

No matter which way it works, my family is being provided for.  Is that not that the main purpose?  I will admit if he were to find a good job I would be ecstatic, but not because I think he should be the main provider.  I simply think an extra income would be nice.  However, if he ends up not finding a job, I cannot help but think the option to be a stay at home dad is a good one.

So I thought to pose the question to you, readers of word press.  Why does my fiancé receive so much hostility at the admission that he is at home while I am at work?  What are your thoughts?  Why do you think society views stay at home moms as acceptable, but not stay at home dads?